It´s been a year since I wrote a post here. I did not really feel like sharing whole year. Even though so many things changed. I lived in Prague for a year. And now I am leaving back home. I gained many new professional skills and learned a lot about myself. I attended some interesting courses. I have been to Brazil and Latvia. I found a boyfriend and still am very happy with him. I still love reading and found Biodanza and 5 rhythms - spontaneous dancing and I just love it. I learned (again) how emotional I am... I got tandem parachuting as a gift (still to be executed). Suddenly and recently, I lost a very close family member and it still hurts. I am afraid of what will be next as future is unclear now and I feel a bit lost. I it time to start new life period as I am definitely leaving AIESEC and students years. Gosh, I was studying whole my life! I met many inspiring people this year. And I just feel like I need somebody to hug me. And I found some initiatives I would to contribute somehow.

And after a year, I just had a sudden feeling I want to put a random post on my blog.

Up and down

Strange how days of your life can be so different. One day you feel so happy and free and other one you are crying...

Thursday 5th June was just lovely. I went to see my friends who just graduated with a plan of doing nothing and just enjoying the day. What girls could do than shopping? Well, there are other choices but we chose this one. Then girls´ chat in park and in the evening we went to cinema to watch Sex and the City and for dinner in French pancake house. During the day I realized I was spending my time by nothing else than doing nothing and I have to say - what a feeling:)

Friday - day when I made somebody I value a lot unhappy. What to say? All words seem to be meaningless, nonsense and unnecessary. I feel so lost, down, sad, turbid, empty... like a little child who doesn´t know how to get back home... like a little girl who doesn´t need anything else but a warm and tight hug. If I have these feelings how does he feel then? What I did was my decision he only was a suprised receiver.

I feel that telling "I am sorry" is not enough.

Monday was the Day. I was going through final state exam - stress, fear, feeling of lack of knowledge, desperation at the moment I got topics to talk about as they were exactly those which I didn´t have idea what they were about, fight, helpful teachers and a huge luck. That was day I tok master degree. Of course loads of congratulations afterwards, unbelievable relief, questions how I felt... How did I feel? How did I actually feel? That is what is a bit weird... Of course I felt happy as I knew I was very lucky that day. Of course I realized all that stress I undergone was meaningful. Yet I did not have that fantastic feeling of happiness inside I was expecting. Maybe I just did not realize that I really made it. Maybe I did not admit yet my studies are over. I am 24 and all my life I did not actually do nothing else but going to school.

Ithaca

When You set out on Your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge
the Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon - do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on Your path
if Your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches Your spirit and Your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon, You will never encounter,
if You do not carry them within Your soul,
if Your heart does not set them up before You.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer morning are many, when
with such a pleasure, with such a joy
You will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as You can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from sholars.

Always keep Ithaca in Your mind.
To arrive there is Your ultimate goal
but do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when You are old,
rich with all You have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca wil offer You riches.
Ithaca has given You the beautiful voyage
without You would never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give You.

And if You find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived You.
Wise as You have become, with so much experience,
You must already have understood what Ithaca means.

by Constantine Cavafy (1863-1933)

...wish I will not disappoint my wayfarer...

OMG! Final state exam on Monday!!! Panic!!! My plan - nr. of themes learnt per day somehow screwed up (what a suprise...), still whole subject (out of three) to go, no idea what is about and no idea what I will perform on Monday... In previous post I wrote I did not feel nervous... hmmm... it has changed a lot!!! I have nothing (or at least I have such feeling) in my head, I do not have a good mind to learn more as I find many information I have to put into my head useless and I just feel sooo - aiiiii is the only word that could express my current state precisely:)

See? Even now, when I should study hard to at least try to prepare myself I am here writing this post... I will cry on Monday... or hopefully not:) You can never know.

It´s been a while since I wrote last post... a month? Looks like I plan to write a post per month... Well, April is over. Diploma thesis - somehow finished (do not ask me how...), school - finished (do not ask me how...), AIESEC national conference passed, functional meeting with my team and part of transition done... Now I am trying hard to concrentrate on studying for my final state exam to get master degree. For me it is sooo difficult to push myself, sit and get some knowledge into my head... Feel like stuck somehow... And still - I do not feel nervous... Either I rely on my intelligence and experience I have (I mean - so many people have passed before and I am not so stupid...) or I just have such feeling because somehow exam is kind of far... We will see in few weeks how I will feel...

Another thing coming into my mind. I am 24, I already passed bachelor exam, now master is coming. Looks like I will become "adult" soon. I do not feel like I am ready... I mean, still (inside) I feel like a little child, not able to take care about myself, to start to think about daily worries, to feel responsible, to earn money, look for job... At the same time I am sure I will manage but...

In a month I will hopefully get my master and move to Prague to start working. Somehow I still don´t understand it. Weird...

What a busy month March was! After more than a month away I am back home and have weekend off - hurrayyy! What did I do? As a part of transition and getting into my new role as MC member I atteded National Transition Meeting , Presidents Training Camp (or what PTC means:P), delivered some games during Local Training Conference (or what exactly LTC means:P) and spent almost two weeks in St. Petersburg, Russia.

EuroXPRO - conference for more than 40 countries of CEE (Central and Eastern Europe) and WENA (Western Europe and Northern America) AIESEC regions. Conference for new leadership bodies of AIESEC countries. Strategic and functional knowledge discussions, sharing, sessions... new colleagues, friends, parties, lack of sleep, fun... Global Village (representing of various cultures), Russian Night, official dinner... white Russia and frozen sea... and much more - as usually during every AIESEC conference:) Pics HERE.